To my son, Calvin Luke.
It wasn’t long ago, you and I, we made a trip. You inside, warm and safe as we bounced along the country roads, Bangkok bound. Past the rice paddies and charming painted houses, women washing yellow shirts on the line you and me, just passersby. Big brother Noah at my side, keeping me company for the ride.
I dreamed of you, my little boy. Couldn’t wait to dress you up in brother’s clothes. You’d be brother to three, filler of hearts. I could only imagine how you would look, what would make you laugh and sing or even cry. When you arrived you were more beautiful than we ever could have imagined. That was six months ago from today. And off we went together, you with your family, into this new season of life.
Today we saw another little boy. Didn’t we? Soft, sweet eyes. Born the same day as you. You lay still in my arms, unaware, as he jabbered with his momma and played with his hands. I turned away to hide my face. But you knew, didn’t you, when the tears landed. From my cheeks to yours. You squeezed close to my chest and my heart was warmed. Your smell and touch reached my heart. You are mine. Loved beyond imagination.
So if these tears fall for a few more moments, a few more seasons, will you please forgive me? It won’t go on forever this way, it just takes momma more time. I don’t know when they will end, but we should get more breaks between, eh?