It’s Saturday night and our home is feeling empty without Calvin and his calls and squeals. Tomorrow will mark one week of ICU–thank you for praying us through the week.
We’ve had to pray hard about whether to take Calvin off the vent and pursue palliative care or to prolong his life by supporting his airway with a tracheotomy. It may seem like an obvious decision but it’s not, we have agonized and cried hard over it. Calvin has a tracheotomy scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. We were so hoping that we could take him off the vent and have even just a few hours to hear his voice one last time. But it’s not to be and we’re all having a hard time with that. It’s been over a week that I’ve heard him and it feels like a huge part of our relationship is missing with it.
Calvin has no purposeful movement and everything in his life is based on his vocalizations. It’s how he lets us know if he’s in pain, needing an extra hug, and is the basis of our interaction with him. Because of many technical issues it does not seem likely that he will be able to make sounds with the type of trach he will need. His voice has gotten me through many hard days, delighted his siblings, and has been indelibly marked on each of our hearts. I feel like a part of him is dying with the loss of this vital part of his life and it hurts more than I would’ve imagined. What a comfort to know Jesus enters this sorrow with us.
O Thou, in Whose presence my soul takes delight
On Whom in affliction I call
My comfort by day, and my song in the night,
My hope, my salvation, my all.
Where dost thou, dear Shepherd.
Resort with thy sheep,
To feed them in pastures of love?
Say, why in the valley of death should I weep,
Or alone in this wilderness rove?
Oh why should I wander, an alien from Thee,
Or cry in the desert for bread?
Thy foes will rejoice when my sorrows they see,
And smile at the tears I have shed.
He looks, and ten thousands of angels rejoice,
And myriads wait for His word;
He speaks and eternity, filled with His voice,
Re-echoes the praise of the Lord.
Dear Shepherd, I hear and will follow Thy call,
I know the sweet sound of Thy voice.
Restore and defend me, for Thou art my all,
And in Thee I will ever rejoice.