It was freezing on Black Friday but I still ventured out in the afternoon. Perhaps hoping a little of my friend’s holiday cheer would rub off on me as I tagged along with her shopping. Thanksgiving had been spent camped out on the floor with Calvin and the suction machine. And meds, yes lots of meds.

I was dragging, and really, who likes draggy blue friends? But there I was. Squirting mustard on the Auntie Anne’s pretzel and feeling the blues amidst all the cheery excited shoppers. “I know it is what it is,” I sighed, “but sometimes it’s just plain hard.” I thought of all the people I met that were optimistic and making the best of their child’s situation with disability. All I could do was wear the sadness on my face; it’s hard, really hard, to see him struggle and retreat. It’s hard to feel like you’re losing him. It’s hard to celebrate a birthday.

“I didn’t even get him a present,” I confessed flatly, “going to the toy section is torture because he can’t play with any of them.” And then to keep from entirely ruining the cheery spirit, I stopped. Al just listened and munched along with me, she’s pretty good at this listen to the blues tune.

Sometimes the promises we have to cling to seem so distant and unrelated to the very circumstances we’re walking in. It’s hard to make truth intersect with the daily reality. It’s easy to believe that the promises in God’s Word are general and don’t belong to me, my child, this day. And when I lose hold of the promises doubt overshadows all the joy that was there just a moment before. Give me greater faith Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

Darryl and I listened to this message by Greg Lucas, a dad of a severely disabled boy. The title was “Parenting When Your Heart is Continually Crushed”. It’s a message from the Desiring God conference on Disability. It blasted the blues right out from under me. Thanks be to God that there is hope with Jesus.

Parenting When Your Heart Is Continually Crushed from Desiring God on Vimeo.



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