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I know one thing, there is no way to prepare for losing a child. There is no “self-talk” that makes the pain less sharp. I thought I would start to prepare myself but the grief never lessens, no matter how I try to prepare.

And so I’ve given up preparing. We are leaving all (each one of us) in the hands of Jesus. He knows how to carry confused and sad kids, he knows how to carry a mom and dad that feel their own flesh and blood being taken from their hands. He knows how to give breath when it feels you will never breathe again. He knows how to comfort in the dark recesses of providence. 

He’s felt the ripping of death. He enters into our pain. He will gather Calvin to his own arms when ours can no longer reach. The reality of the resurrection sweetens all this sadness. He has conquered and because of our mighty Savior we can rejoice even in the darkness.

So many of you have prayed for us and that God would guide our decisions. Yesterday we met the palliative care doctor, Dr. Mulder. Within minutes we knew this was right for Calvin. Our talk was less about medical specifics and more about the hope of the resurrection, the value of Calvin and the joy and hope we have in Christ. What a gift from our heavenly Father to give us one of his own to walk us through these days. We are humbled at God’s provision. Even logistically God has provided, Dr. Mulder’s office is about one mile from our home.

We are hoping to go home today or tomorrow. I’m scared about the next days, weeks, months. There is a possibility that Calvin will do well and rebound. We will all be rejoicing!  Palliative care for Calvin will mean house calls from the doctor, meds delivered at home and every effort made for Calvin’s comfort and well-being. It is a bridge to hospice. We plan to use hospice for the last days Calvin has. In the meantime we are hoping for many more days with him. And yes, we are still planning to bring him camping this summer (we did Make-A-Wish for a camper!) if the Lord wills.

We are all rejoicing (and crying…it’s so crazy emotionally) that we will have him with us again. We want him home. His beauty and preciousness take our breath away. Looking into his beautiful eyes makes me see the beauty and goodness of our Creator, our Protector. What a good gift He’s given us.

Please pray for strength for our family. Pray that Jesus will be near in all of the uncertainty.

One of the best tools I have for getting through hard times is saturating my mind and heart with the truth of God’s word. This week, in addition to reading the Word, it meant tuning into the Gospel Coalition Conference and praising with the Getty’s. Calvin was enjoying it too. I tweeted a pic of it and the Getty’s tweeted back, fun!

Therapy dogs visited Calvin again. He giggled when the dog licked his cheek 🙂 Anybody have a dog that can visit us at home? He seems to get so much enjoyment from them. Noah and Evie loved the dogs too.

Both of these furry friends are gifts from the hospital–the Child Life program here is fantastic. Calvin has been loved-on well.

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