Better On Paper?
I’ve written about it before. I’d rather live my life by email than personal encounters. I like to think before responding, in fact, I hide from my cell phone. That right there is a testing point in our marriage, I’ve nearly sent Darryl over the edge as I let my phone ring only to meet his wide panicked eyes, “Where is your phone?!” He dashes into the next room and tosses cushions and rummages through purses while each ring boosts up his blood pressure a good couple of notches. With great triumph he finds the blue shiny gadget and then….SILENCE. Missed it by a ring.
I’m still standing in the kitchen doing whatever it is I do in there when he enters. “You have to answer your phone.” “Why?” I counter. The way I see things, if it’s important they’ll leave a message, send smoke signals, whatever. He just stares at me frustrated, these are the times that try his soul. So I try to be a little more responsible with the phone leash, and it lasts, for a while. My sisters occassionally get worried or so I hear. Not only about my sanity but whether we’re still alive and well. They call Darryl to confirm, he answers his phone. One day Kristin called Carly and supposedly it went something like this: “I’m worried something happened, Kara hasn’t answered her phone all day.” To which Carly replied, “I’ve been calling for weeks, don’t be worried.”
This is embarrassing, on my account and I’m grateful my family and friends put up with me despite my quirks. The truth is, I annoy myself in real life too. I can be feeling all broken up inside but act like I’m carefree and funny in a group. I talk too much to avoid awkward pauses in conversation. I laugh too loud. See?
Even though I’d rather do life by email, it doesn’t work that way. And I’ve found the most rewarding relationships are from time spent together, in person, awkwardness and all. Most of us want to hide behind a facade of perfection and poise because we all have so much stinkin’ pride. And the truth is that we are always a work in progress.
Not one of us has arrived.
But we all, with uncovered face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Cor. 3:18
If we are saved by Jesus then we are a work in progress, praise be to Him! While we don’t flaunt our faults we take hope that He wants to deal in a deeply personal way with us. He doesn’t send an email. He sends His Spirit and dwells in us! And He changes us, in glorious ways by showing Himself to us more fully.
And this is how He equips us to live in relationships with others, even people like me full of quirks and inadequacies. People who’d rather do life by email or text. It’s striking to see the instructions given in Ephesians on how to live this renewed life. Nearly every direction deals with relationship with others. God transforms us and molds us to Him by other people in life. Not only by sitting us in a solitary corner but on the platform of chafing and struggles in human relationships He shows us heavenly things. Ephesians 4 has some examples.
Three key ingredients we need to have for relationships with others:
1. Put off your old self because it was full of sinful desires. (vs 22)
2. Be renewed in the spirit of your mind. (Dwell on the truth of God’s word, not your own understanding.) (vs 23)
3. Put on the new self which is like God, righteous and holy. (vs. 24)
We’re given pretty clear specifics of what these qualities should result in:
Speaking truth with your neighbor. Not only are we bound (in a wonderful way) from lying, t his means being honest about the gospel too, tell of your hope in Christ. We’ve been bought by the Truth. We are most like Him when this very Truth flows out into every area of our life.
Be careful of anger. Most of anger is not righteous anger, at least not in my life. Usually anger is a cover-up for some sort of brokenness. (Such a strong and wild passion that can make us bitter and cruel!) This is an opportunity for the devil, a “justified” grudge is room for evil to work. We ought to be forgiving always and thinking the best of others. This is certainly how Jesus interacted with the unjust and unkind.
Busy your hands with honest work. Not only is it good, it is good for us! It’s funny how the ways of obedience brings new joy, new opportunities.
Share with those in need. Be a mercy to someone today. Communicate His love in tangible ways–you will feel your humanity at work, they will feel divine provision.
Use your words to build up. In doing so you give grace to those on the receiving end. We can be bearers of grace with our mouths! Dwell in us Holy Spirit, make this true in us.
Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit. He is the one who has sealed our day of redemption! Listen to Him, follow the paths of the Lord where there is life.
Put away bitterness, wrath, slander, chaos. And malice too. Paul was familiar with human relationships. How many of us have relationships affected with these very things?! This road map for relationships puts these things away (resist the temptation and counter it with good report, kindness).
Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving. This is how we are called to be in our relationships. Maybe if we were all this way with one another we would allow one another more fully into the deep parts of our lives.
These relationship rules are reflections of the way Christ works with us. We are called to imitate Him with one another. It’s easier to deal with each other superficially or in my case, by email. But it’s not the way the Lord really fleshes out all the mess in us. He makes us see our need for Him in our relationships with others.
Slowly He unpacks and (often painfully) shows us all the dirt that tends to come out of our mouths and hearts. Then He fills us with Himself and lets us see Him more clearly even as we give the very gifts He’s given us, to others. He has much more in mind for human relationships than emails and texts. So much more than paper relationships.
The very intimacy and chafing of human relationships molds us and chips away at our rough edges if we follow His plan for them.
Motherhood Is
It took me a long time to really see the beauty and promise of being “mom”. I’d bought into the theory that it was the default plan, what one did if other grand life aspirations didn’t work out. Somehow I had confused a grand calling to be a mediocre life option.
Several unspoken rules shouted out from society at large (or was it just the headlines from the m’zines at the checkout?). Children are hip if you’ve already gotten your degree strapped on. Children are a bonus to your happiness. Children are necessary for that ideal life, but only after you’ve crossed off the first options of achievement. It seemed most people in the world just wanted kids so they could have little mini-replicas of themselves to accessorize and adore.
I have found motherhood to be far more and far better. But not at first. It took me quite a while to find my footing in this whole motherhood thing. I didn’t feel fulfillment, I didn’t feel contentment. There were no standing ovations when I cleaned the house and bathed the children. There were no little notes of encouragement. Instead of “thank you” after changing a dirty diaper they presented me with some other mess. Always cleaning, always teaching, always reprimanding–it felt like an exhausting treadmill of pointless work.
My mind knew motherhood was a calling but it felt like a tedious monotony. I thought I had so many other important, more worthy, things to do. The rest of the world was going forward and really living while I stayed home and folded onesies. I had a lot to learn.
Motherhood has a way of teaching you what matters, a way of taking your hand and leading you along. Motherhood has a way of exposing all the big pockets of selfishness we store in our nooks and crannies. It takes our pride and gives us big helpings of humility. Motherhood has shown me how deep and rich it is to love and serve others. It takes slow learners like me and teaches the reality of losing our life for Christ. Because that’s what motherhood is, showing Jesus to our children. Every day. And in the doing Jesus shows us how deeply we need Him. Every day.
Really this whole motherhood thing was far more than I bargained for. I received a whole lot more than I deserved. God uses selfish people like me and transforms us into far more. Showing us beauty in selflessness. Showing fulfillment in emptying ourselves. Showing me my need for constant grace from my children, husband, and Creator as I bumble along this motherhood road.
The last two years have put a whole new twist on being a mom. They’ve given me the opportunity to really see my children. To see past the temper tantrums, tears, and skinned knees. To see past the hands that won’t move and eyes that can’t focus. To see past the piles of laundry, snotty noses, therapy visits and never-ending piles on the counters.
What I see is four children who need daily doses of grace, both in the giving and receiving. Four children who need their mom and dad to hold them close and point them to Jesus who can heal their hurts far better than we. I see four little broken souls clothed in broken bodies longing for complete restoration. I see four children finding glimpses of that joy and gladness we were meant for and wanting more.
Being a mom has never felt so wonderful and weighty all at the same time. Being a mom lays me at the feet of Jesus everyday. This is what motherhood is.
Conversations with Evie
I can tell we are out of survival mode lately. How? Well, the living room is tidy, Darryl’s doing yard work and I can actually focus on things my children are saying. I daily wonder at their lives, stories, and sayings. It is such a blessing to be a mother and I’m so grateful for these little ones.
Evie benefiting from Calvin's therapy play ;0
Me: I love you Evie.
SILENCE.
Evie: I like you too, mom. Sigh.
Me: A little bit or a lot?
Evie: Well, a little bit. Because you know, of the spankings and stuff (voice trails off here)
Evie: Mom, I don’t want to have another baby.
Me: OK. Do you mean when you’re a mommy?
Evie: No, I mean us, the Dederts.
Me: Really? But you love Calvin. I thought you loved babies.
Evie: Well, I really don’t like him much, not very much.
Me: Why not?
Evie: Because of the whining and crying, you know (voice trails off again)
Bedtime chats
Evie: I just want to talk, like we’re older.
Me: Ok, what do you want to talk about?
Evie: Why do I always have to be the youngest. I want to be older, older, older like Sophie.
Me: Why?
Evie: Because every body is the boss of me and I’m the boss of nobody.
Evie: What will you be when I’m a grandma?
Me: Dead. At least my body will be.
Evie: What? Why will you die?
Me: We only live a short while, our bodies cannot live forever. Our souls do.
Evie: (clearly uncomfortable with this topic) Aaah, mom, I don’t want to talk about bodies, bodies, bodies.
Me: Okay then.
Beauty
This is beauty. Something the world hardly ever knows. So beautiful and sad at the same time, it makes me cry.
Not Everyday
It’s not everyday you ask for an appointment with a professor of Christian ethics.
It’s not everyday you train a nurse how to take care of your child.
Thursday brought the nurse and professor with it.
It’s not everyday you look up to the skies and wait.
Hoping for a golden letter to come down with revelation.
I was looking for that. Not anymore.
It’s not everyday you find friends
and sisters and family who know completely
without you saying a word.
It’s not everyday you lie in your husband’s arms
laughing and crying about the beauty and pain.
All mixed together.
It’s not everyday your daughter tells you she needs
her brother, that she can’t imagine life without his smile.
This is real love, her tears tell me so.
It’s not everyday you snuggle a boy so close
broken to the eyes but complete to the soul,
and see beauty. And only beauty.
It’s not everyday you feel pain transformed
and find only joy and life in dark places.
Why am I surprised by faithfulness from on high?
It’s not everyday I look up to the heavens
and agree with God and let praise leap out.
But today these blessings were all mine.
Butterflies!
Grand Rapids was recently voted the best city in the US to raise your family. I’m sure that could be contested BUT…I have to admit that lots of things about GR are pretty great. Meijer Gardens? Case in point. Good friends, Marty and Roelie, brought us on a beautiful day to the butterfly exhibit. Seeing the gardens with little kids hardly leaves one time to stand in awe at the butterflys, it’s more like “Oh look a butterfly!” as you race along the winding path dogding people and cameras…trying to keep up with a little one that fits between people’s legs. It was wonderful to enter the huge greenhouse. Many plants were similar to Cambodia and the humidity was almost like Cambo.
Butterflies were everywhere-- some large, others tiny, all colorful.
Close-up. Upon leaving the exhibit all folks were checked to make sure no butterfly had stuck to clothes or hair!
My children (me too) love this dear friend.
Cousin Cameron being dwarfed by the huge horse sculpture. The children's garden was incredible.
It's good to be alive!
Beauty From Ashes
Recently I had the privilege of speaking to a women’s group. The title was Beauty From Ashes: Believing God’s Goodness When Things Are Bad.
You can watch here.
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