It’s a decision Darryl and I make repeatedly: should we bring Calvin or not?
Will the noise make him startle? Is there a place to change him? Will we have time to do treatments when we get back? What meds will we need to bring? Are his lungs up to par? Is there a place to suction? Will he zone out and be lost in the noise of seizures and the crowd? Is it worth the effort? Is there room for his chair? Are there ramps or an elevator?
The van has made our lives a thousand times easier – we cannot even imagine taking him anywhere without it! But we still hesitate after running through the questions.
We decided to bring him with us on one of our family traditions: the annual play down at the Civic. Friends treated us to the Sound of Music about five years ago, and we’ve been back every year since for three hours of absolute joy. The kids talk about it all year, it is such a highlight. So far every time we’ve gone, Calvin’s had to stay home with a nurse (which left the kids very unimpressed and us just plain sad he wasn’t with us). This year we promised them we’d bring him along (for better or worse!) for the show “Annie”.
Before pushing “Purchase” on the tickets, I hesitated again. Tickets aren’t cheap and there was at least a 50% chance his lungs would be in too rough of shape to make it. The performances go long and we rarely keep Calvin out of the house for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. Not because he doesn’t like it, but because his lungs needs a break. I bought the ticket, the kids approved and Darryl’s arched eyebrows told me he was just hoping for the best.
As soon as the kids were ready, they started up the van, cranked the heat and lowered the lift. Darryl and I were busy inside doing the last minute change, getting his feeding bag filled, making sure his suction machine was charged and ready, stocking up medical things he might need, packing his 9 pm meds, and then finally getting him into his chair and bundling him into his coat. Phew! The kids are amazing with the whole “load up Calvin” process. One grabs his chair and takes him down the ramp while Darryl and I grab all the remaining pieces (and children) inside before heading to the van.
Darryl usually loads him up into the van and locks his wheelchair into the tie-downs in the back while Noah or Evie goes around to the front and locks in the two front tie-downs. Once he’s belted and strapped in better than a roller coaster ride, we do one last head check and head out.
The night at the Civic was extra special this year because Calvin’s neuro-developmentist and her husband were in the play. Dr. Dodge has been such an instrument of mercy in our lives since Calvin was just a few months old. What fun to see her as an old apple seller and a head cook in the “Annie” play. It gave all of us a laugh. The night was wonderful and the kids were thrilled. Calvin was really excited although it didn’t seem like he could see anything. He was trying to sing along with all the songs but he’d start in just seconds after they would finish. So yes, he had a few solo parts 😉
But by the third time we’d taken Calvin out as quietly as we could through the exit door, Darryl looked at me exhausted. “I think we’re going to have Calvin come alternate years.” We grinned wryly as we sat out in the hallway again, repositioning, changing and clearing him. What a strange life we live! Thankfully our other kids are very used to us attending to Calvin’s needs and did just fine without us, even Violet.
We were able to take him in the last 20 minutes without incident and I think it made up for the whole busyness of the evening. At the very end of the performance, Annie and the entire cast sang the song “Tomorrow” one last time. Calvin about lifted off his seat as he sang along with his own version of the line: “Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow.”
It was happy, beautiful and exhausting all in one. And his smile told me it was worth every bit of effort.
I used to think that parenting meant trying really really hard to create the ideal life for your child. The right food, the right house, the right books, the right vacation and the right parenting.
These things matter. But when a bomb explodes in your life and all your plans are wrecked and all of your “right” options are just kicked outta town, you learn a few things.
You learn that vacations are nice but what you do on rainy afternoons and another evening home is what makes warm familiar memories. The simple wrestling matches on the living room floor, telling funny stories and game marathons where one kid almost certainly ends up crying.
You learn that being a gourmet organic cook would be ideal, but kids will love the comfort of your simple wholesome cooking just as well.
You learn that it’s more about being consistent in immersing yourself and your kids in God’s Words rather than having the right words and right parenting techniques.
You learn that when your life is wrecked, it means a new beginning. An opportunity to model to your kids “Living the Wrecked Life” so they can see God’s grace living and active in your less-than-perfect life, instead of your perfection exalted and standardized. It’s humbling, but it bears good fruit.
I’ve learned that it can seem real convincing that if you just do this or buy that or go there or be more like them, your family will be better off. Truth is, you never can get the circumstances quite right for your kids and it’s the wrong battle to fight.
I think I’ve wasted a lot of time fighting the wrong battles and praying for the wrong things. God knows what you have and He’s not expecting you to better your own life. He’s asking you to lose your life and to find it in Him.
That’ll impact your kids a whole lot more than ship-lap in the kitchen and a cute farmhouse laundry sink. Although I do love those. But there’s bigger better things that have nothing to do with what you can provide or create.
It’s about living a life and leading your family in leaning into what God has provided, Jesus, and living a life of becoming a new creation of grace. His creation.
Do you feel that pressure lifting?
Maybe you’re living in a place far from family. Maybe your marriage is struggling. Maybe you’re facing staggering financial stress. Maybe you’re losing sleep because your life seems like a mess in every direction you look and you’ve never felt more “less than” in your life. And when you think about raising kids in the mess, you wonder how on earth they’ll survive it with you at the wheel.
Here’s the thing: the only circumstances you need to be successful, are ones that drive you to Jesus. The only parenting technique you need is dependency on Jesus. The only house you need is the foundation of Jesus. The only decorations you need are wisdom and grace. The only life you need is one in Him. The rest is just stuff that is passing like the wind. Life in Jesus is lasting and true and strong and good and saving – forever. It is the gold, the only gold in the stuff of life.
Bring your mess, bring your less-than-ideal, and come. Not scrubbed up and cleaned up and looking good. But empty-handed asking God to grow His work, His grace in the middle of it all. Don’t miss it.
Most days I look like I’ve got this disability thing down. Like it doesn’t hurt as much as the early days. Like I’m confident and at peace with what is.
The truth is, your child’s losses never become less painful, you just adjust to living with a new level of pain. And you make peace with that. You quit fighting the pain and learn how to live with it. How to leverage joy out of dark places.
So when you’re standing in the library and you feel your eyes burning, you don’t tell yourself to get over it. You just ride it out, knowing the sharpness will subside. You let the tears come as you watch all the other kids run around, knowing you’re not a basket-case, but that pain is real and sharp and sometimes it crests in the oddest places.
And when you get home, you walk in your son’s room, and you tell him you love him. That you’re sorry. And you try not to let tears fall on his face.
Then you get up and you make dinner, read stories and carry on. As if you have this whole disability thing down.
Are you curious about essential oils? Wondering what all the “hype” is about? Let me assure you, this is not a trend. Essential oils have been around since biblical times. Their recent surge in popularity is a great testament to how amazing these little bottles are.
In our house, we strive for health and wellness in all areas of our life, and Young Living is a great fit for us! We have been able to replace nearly all of our store bought products, for ones that Young Living provides (shampoo, toothpaste, face wash, household cleaner, laundry soap, dishwasher detergent, supplements, dish soap, hand purifiers, etc.). Getting toxins out of our homes should be a high priority for everyone. This is not only a healthier choice for our families, it’s a healthier choice for the environment.
There are a few starter kits that can get you started with Young Living. Once you purchase your Premium Starter Kit, you are then a wholesale member and can make future purchases at 24% off!
Here are a few kit options:
- Premium Starter Kit + Dewdrop Diffuser – for those who are ready to dive into the world of essential oils! In this kit you will receive 11 oils plus a diffuser to get you started on your path to wellness.
- Premium Starter Kit + Aria Diffuser – for those who want a fancier diffuser option, this kit is for you! The Aria is an absolutely stunning diffuser. You will be proud to diffuse those “hippy” oils of yours with this one!
- Thieves Premium Starter Kit – for those who don’t want to quite dive into essential oils yet, but would like to start replacing their harmful house products with pure ones. This is a great way to begin! You will receive some of our most popular Thieves products to get you started!
- Ningxia Red Premium Starter Kit – for those who are wanting to experience the life changing benefits of our antioxidant juice, Ningxia Red. This kit will get you started (and hooked) on this powerful juice blend!
When you purchase your starter kit with me, you aren’t just buying from Young Living. You are joining a team of pretty awesome humans. We love to encourage, educate and equip you so that you know what you’re doing. I am always available for questions or concerns. I want you to learn!
Our team has the following resources available for our members:
- Private Product Facebook Page with 2+ educational posts per day.
- Private Business Facebook Page for those wanting to pursue the business side (never required).
- Educational Website with over 20 classes to help you learn. You can access this at anytime
If you’d like to get started, follow these simple steps:
- Go to: Member Sign-up
- Please select Wholesale Member
- My number should already be entered. If it isn’t, please make sure 10169363 appears in both the “Enroller” and “Sponsor ID” fields.
- Check your country and language preference then continue
- Select your Premium Starter Kit
- You can select NO for the Essential Rewards option at this time. I recommend people get the product and fall in love with it first, before they choose ER.
- Proceed to checkout
- Fill out your information
- At this point you can add more to your order if you’d like, or you can check out with your starter kit
- All finished, welcome to the family!
I will be in contact with you shortly to get you welcome resources and added to our private groups! I’m so excited and thankful you have chosen me to help you on this journey! If you have any questions, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
What do we use oils for? For just about everything! Whether you are looking for oils to help you sleep, for natural immune system support, for energy, for focus, for relaxation, for your kids, for natural alternatives to cleaning products (the list is endless), you need to experience oils.
Aren’t oils just a fad? No, oils have been used for thousands of years but in the last 100 years they’ve gotten buried under powerful drugs and synthetic products; now society is feeling the weight of toxic products and eager for a fresh look at what’s all around us: the global garden full of natural byproducts that work in synergy with our body. It’s taken the scientific community time to dedicate time and money to oil research (more money is directed to drug companies because, well, money moves the world) but it is happening and confirming what humans have known all along: essential oils are powerful tools for our bodies and environments. I think we are just at the beginning of the resurgence of awareness of natural living. People are tired of toxins and we are all waking up to the effect they are having on us.
Want to try but not sure where to start? You will quickly learn that oils are simple and powerful and that there are no hard and fast rules that you need to abide by. Our team will help you with every resource you need and a private facebook community to answer ANY question you have, give you ideas and help you use oils confidently.
Why Young Living? Young Living has an unmatched Seed to Seal process to guarantee the purity & potency of every oil, it is the best of the oil world (in my humble opinion). You can visit their farms, pull up their third-party testing, and explore every part of their process from non-GMO seeds (seed) to final standards for the oils (seal).
How do we use oils? You can inhale them, diffuse them (you get one in the starter kit!), apply to your skin and use them in every personal/household product you could imagine. They aren’t just good smelling bottles, they are tools which clean, detoxify, purify, and actively work on a molecular level in your body. But yes, they do make your house and you smell great too 🙂
How will I learn how to use my kit? You’ll get plenty of reading material with your kit, but as mentioned above, you’ll get access to our exclusive facebook community full of amazing resources like how to use each oil in your kit, which oils to avoid around kids or while pregnant/nursing, and all of the dilution ratios for individual oils. We have classes, books, live facebook hangouts & search functionality that will help you navigate through any questions you might have.
Do you have to order more oils monthly or sell them? Nope! Your kit can be a one time purchase, but along with it comes a wholesale membership, which just means that should you decide to purchase oils in the future, you would get a 24% discount! You will also get a personal referral link should you ever decide that you want to share them, but neither is required.
Any suggestions made on this blog are very specific to Young Living essential oils and should not be used with oils from another source. Statements made on this website about Young Living Essential Oils have not been evaluated by the FDA. These products and information are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Anyone suffering from disease or injury should consult with a physician. If you are currently on medication, please do not stop.
It was 5 a.m. when I heard Calvin calling through the monitor. His calls quickly turned into cries as I ran down the steps. It’s been a nightly routine the last couple of months and it’s usually the same reason: his hips.
Both of his hips are dislocated and there is no clear and easy solution. Even touching his leg makes him flinch so my trick has been to quickly turn him onto his side, taking pressure off of his left hip – the one giving him the most pain these days.
I ran my hand down his back, the back with a bulge forming significantly on one side — his scoliosis has increased dramatically in his latest growth spurt. I repositioned his legs, bending them and putting stuffed animals as cushions between his knees. He quickly smiled and breathed a sigh of relief and contentment.
Most of the time we’ve been so completely consumed with helping him to breathe, that all of these lesser issues hardly register on our radar. But for the last month he’s had unusually good respiratory health and has been able to breathe without significant effort; if it feels like an elephant lifted off my back, I can only imagine how it feels for him.
He’s been so alert the past month, wanting to participate in everything from church to backyard campfires. We’ve taken advantage of this rare time by bringing him everywhere: the library, zoo, air museum, Sam’s Club (hey, it counts), playground, church, and grandma and grandpa’s. I can’t tell you how good it feels to see him like this especially after the spring and summer he’s had.
As I sat with Calvin in the dark, rubbing his back, talking to him quietly I realized our challenges have changed in the past few years. These days I am less overwhelmed with his disabilities and more overwhelmed with the gift of his life. I find myself less perplexed with God’s purposes (still a mystery) and more aware of His call to obedience — that very unglamorous but vital part of Christian life.
The truth is, our obedience hinges on trust. If we don’t trust God, we won’t obey, at least not wholeheartedly. Sure, we can act like we are trusting God, doing and saying the right things, showing up at church, but in our hearts we can foster unexpressed anger and mistrust of God. This is not new to humanity. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone down that path and realized I’m doing what humanity has done since Adam and Eve: trusting my own definition of good rather than God’s. And that always leads to destruction.
But there is a way to life and that is simply trusting God and His intentions toward us. I think at the root of it we can only trust God once we fully believe what He says about Himself: that He is good. We learn to trust and realize His goodness not by intellectual hoops alone but by framing our entire lives around the expression of His goodness: Jesus Christ.
God is the divine who is always looking to bring us back to Him, back into a relationship with Him that we’ve messed up badly — no, destroyed. Just look at our hearts, look at our world. He is our Creator, our Redeemer, our Restorer. Without Him we have no definition of good. And when we start grasping that, obedience is the response.
This obedience always plays out in practical everyday living, not just the big things. This is what it looks like in the season we are in:
It means faithfulness in caring for Calvin even when it is never-ending and exhausting. When you just want to go to bed instead of giving meds, respiratory treatments and setting him and his machines up for the night. Midnight obedience.
It means trusting Him when He doesn’t take away pain or suffering. This is hard when you watch your son literally suffocating from chronic lung disease. Not hard, impossible. But Jesus gives us strength and tell us He is with us “in our deepest distresses.” He weeps with us and calls us to carry our cross and follow Him.
It means believing God’s goodness even when my circumstances aren’t good at all. At least not in a temporal happy sort of way. Obedience is believing that no matter what disaster is in my life, God deserves my praise — He owes me nothing and has given me everything. And in our disasters He is working good and glory from ashes we can scarcely sweep together.
It means living joyfully because our hope is very real. We are not living around an idea, we are living around a reality: a risen Lord Jesus who is making all things new.
It’s our default to create narratives where our motives and morality are justified but God’s are murky — leading us to wonder if we can really trust Him. Thankfully, God is persistent in correcting our distortions by showing His intention and goodness to us in Christ through His Word and Spirit. And when I see that, midnight obedience becomes an opportunity rather than a chore.
It’s easy to say God’s grace is sufficient when everything seems safe and overflowing. It’s another to experience God’s grace is sufficient when everything seems chaotic and lacking.
It’s easy to say His strength is made perfect in our weakness when we feel strong and confident. It’s another thing entirely to desperately fall back on Him when our own weakness and fragility overwhelms us.
It’s been a week since I didn’t feel like throwing up at all hours and unable to eat or sleep. I’m fine, but my son is not. He’s hanging on the edge of a cliff and we are laying at the top reaching for him to come back up. He’s slowly climbing back up.
(It’s happened many times, but I’ve given up writing about it because a reader only can hear the story so many times. And I’m not into drawing out yet another health-saga – each important, but eventually dulling to us as we are inundated by more stories than we can absorb.)
Most of you are used to hearing about his chronic health problems, used to hearing about his fragility – but as his family, it doesn’t really get easier. We know him and love him; to us he’s just a boy with a full crop of hair and a big heart, who wants nothing more than an airplane ride on his dad’s lap. And good night!, it makes us stop breathing when we see him struggling to get his.
Living with chronic respiratory failure doesn’t come with a clear guide. “There are no right answers,” I’ve heard a thousand times and every time it sounds so off. How can there be no right answers?
But living with Jesus does come with clear answers. He calls us to follow after Him, and in our own cross-bearing He’ll walk with us and deepen our leaning on him.
It’s a hard lesson that I’m slow to learn. One of our pastor’s said recently, “We associate evil with pain, and good with pleasure. But God does not associate things this way.”
It’s a painful process to learn, it involves dying to our flesh and living according to the Spirit.
When we can’t rescue, we become more fixed on the Rescuer.
When we’re perplexed, we look more to Him who is Wisdom.
When we sorrow, we feel the comfort from the Man of Sorrows.
When we’re anxious, we look to the Prince of Peace.
When we’re overwhelmed, we search for the Rock.
Calvin is sitting peacefully in the PICU now. We are hoping he will continue to make small baby steps of improvements and get back to his baseline. Parainfluenza pushed his already fragile respiratory condition over the edge. If my gut serves me right, we’ll be home in two weeks back at his norm.
Thanks all for your prayers and for reading another of my (overly-reflective) posts when all you really cared about was the last paragraph. 😉
I haven’t written much. Sometimes it seems like the words have dried up and there’s nothing more to say. But more truthfully, we are adjusting to the years of intensity becoming a place we must live, not a just a short season.
Darryl and I sat on the couch last night, after all the kids were finally tucked in and sipped some hot peppermint tea together. Our home is full and blessed, but at the end of many days we carry the weight of the brokenness. It’s odd, this life is such a two-sided coin. On the one hand, these years have been tremendous years of learning, growing, depending on God. And on the other, such a stripping that a deep melancholy underscoring everything. We’re changed, and sometimes I don’t like it.
The first four years of Calvin’s life were nothing but bare survival, literally trying to keep him alive from one day to the next and making major decisions at every turn. The last three have been more predictable; we’ve become used to being nurses around the clock and know how to navigate his fragility well. Now, the question of Francis Shaeffer’s book often burns in our minds: How shall we then live?
How do we live when life never “gets back” to normal? What do we do in the settling years – the years when everybody else has moved on but we are still constantly adjusting to living with loss?
“The older I get,” Darryl said, “the more I see people settling in two ways. Either they become angry and bitter, resigned in their faith or they serve with love out of their brokenness.”
How many of us haven’t fallen into the first category? We grow up and face unexpected losses and life doesn’t always turn out the way we dreamed or expected. We hurt but then time happens and with it we settle into patterns of living with broken dreams.
We either become more receptive or more hard-hearted.
We grow in love or we grow in bitterness.
We grow in devotion or in apathy.
The settling years.
Richard Sibbes said: “God takes it unkindly if we weep too much for the loss of a wife, or child, or friend, or for any cross in this life; for it is a sign that we do not fetch our comfort from him. Nay, though our weeping be for sin, we must keep moderation, with one eye looking on our sins, and the other on God’s mercy in Christ. If, therefore, the best grief should be moderated, how much more the other!”
God’s comfort is enough for any sorrow, any cross you and I are called to. It is enough to keep us from hard-heartedness, bitterness and apathy. So then why do I find so much of the latter in these settling years?
The temptation for followers of Jesus, living with broken dreams and loss, is to not lean in. Instead of depending on Jesus all the more in pain, we withdraw. Instead of moving forward in faith and hope, we retreat in doubt and despair. We internalize hurt instead of dwelling the comfort of Christ and using that to serve others no matter how broken we are.
It’s gotten a lot of us, and exposes what we may have really been living for all along.
These years are uncomfortable, settling in with altered dreams. But there’s a way to resist the easy street of withdrawing into ourselves and swimming in bitterness and anger. We can ask God to fill us with His Spirit so that we can rejoice in suffering and be filled with peace in believing. Perhaps the settling years are really an invitation to develop rhythms of joy and grace in our lives? A call to live as an ordinary people with an extraordinary hope?
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
One of my favorite things on Instagram is Mari Andrew. She takes abstract concepts and creates simple pictures that almost always perfectly characterizes feelings and realities that can be difficult to describe.
She recently has been set back by illness herself and I’m finding that many of her drawings make me say, “Yes, exactly!” I love the drawing below about empathy. Check it out:
It reminds me about the value of being with someone in hard times. Our reaction is to run away, avoid or feel like we’ve failed as a friend when we can’t solve things.
But this picture captures some of the main ways we can be a true friend when life becomes painful or hard.
We can reassure our friend that even though the worst could happen, we will be with them in it. And more importantly God will be with them. The only thing worse than devastating events in our lives, is being alone and forgotten in them. Maybe that means sitting in the hospital room with them, inviting them over for dinner or just making yourself available in any way.
We can take on practical ways to help. It’ll look different for every family and person, but it will always include showing love and kindness through everyday service. When Jesus’ disciples were weary or sad, what did he do? He baked fish for them. He fed them.
We can pray for them. Today an older woman in our church reminded us that our first priority in serving others should be prayer. It’s not an afterthought but the first thing we go to! Pray that their faith would not fail. Pray the promises of God for them. Pray for them to experience Jesus’ compassion and tender care when life is raw. Pray for opportunity to show love just as Jesus has loved us.
We can remind them who God is and what He’s promised. Sometimes pain makes it hard to see straight. The promises of God can seem far removed or a “nice idea” when you are living a hard reality. But that’s exactly when the promises come alive and valuable to us. This is when we move to walking by faith and exercising that. But we need the promises and the reminder of who God is RIGHT in front of us so that we can keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I want to grow in this area of being a good friend who empathizes. After all, isn’t this just another way of loving our neighbor? So many times we get caught up in worry about saying the wrong thing or assuming other’s have it all figured out, so we stay away. Or, even worse, we are so consumed with what’s going on in our lives that we stop looking out for others.
Jesus is the perfect example of one who empathizes. He did much more than empathize, but he illustrates drawing near in weakness. As we show empathy to people around us, we allow others to experience the love of God and in turn we are changed more into the image of Christ.
“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16
Occasionally I write for the kid’s section of our church magazine thought I’d share them here to use with your kids, if you’d like. This one is appropriate for the time of waiting between Easter and Ascension.
Have you ever seen a friend walking sadly on the playground? How can you tell they’re sad? Maybe they have their head down, shoulders drooped, all the while kicking wood-chips while they walk.
Once there were two friends walking sadly together. Cleopas and his friend weren’t on the playground; they were walking along a dusty road going from the city of Jerusalem to Emmaus, a seven mile trip! They had a long walk home and as you know, walking goes quickly when you talk with a friend, so they were pouring out their hearts to each other.
They had just had the worst week of their lives, and it wasn’t because of the ordinary reasons that sometimes make us say, “This is the worst day ever!” They didn’t have lost homework or even a lost donkey. They weren’t arguing with their friends or fussing over hurt feelings. It was far worse.
The week before, they had gone to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover. It was normally a joyful celebration—a time to remember God’s faithfulness in delivering them from Egypt and a time of hope, remembering that God had promised to send another deliverer.
But this Passover had been all mixed up and seemed to have gone terribly wrong. Their dear friend, Jesus, a great prophet had been killed, on the very day of the Passover. And this was the one they thought was going to deliver them!
Their hearts hurt just thinking about Jesus, He had loved them and been with them day after day. They had seen the power of God in Him when sick people came to the door and when sinners found life and joy in His words. He had been their friend, their hope for a better future, but now all they felt was sadness and confusion. Jesus was dead and there was no delivery in sight.
Everything they thought was true seemed turned upside down, had they been wrong all along? Jesus joined them on their walk, right in the middle of all the mixed up thoughts and feelings and listened. Of course He knew all about it, but He loves for us to pour out our hearts to Him. They told the whole story to this stranger, not even recognizing it was Jesus! And Jesus gently began pointing to the truth that He was right here and all was going according to plan.
Now, if you or I have something very remarkable happen we might tell our friends the sensational details, show pictures or even reenact what happened. But Jesus, who had just suffered the greatest sorrow and achieved the greatest victory in the history of the whole wide world, began in the most ordinary way–by opening up the scriptures.
He pointed out the plan that God had been perfectly carrying out through the stories of the Israelites and the songs of the prophets. He showed them how all these stories pointed to the Lamb, the Redeemer, HIM! And as he spoke the words of scripture, their hearts started to thaw from the fear and confusion and they began to burn, throb and nearly burst with joy as recognition lit their entire being, it was Jesus. And He HAD delivered them from something much worse than the Romans—they were delivered from the clutches of sin which had the power to destroy them more than any Roman.
These two disciples had started their long walk with heavy hearts and sandals dragging, but by the end of the long trip as they sat down to break bread with Jesus, their hearts were light and their feet eager to get up and spread the news—Jesus was alive and God’s plan of deliverance was being carried out perfectly.
I don’t have a time machine to send you back to the Emmaus road, but I can tell you where to find Jesus–open up the Bible, He really is on every page! This week, in your devotions, why don’t you write down your findings of seeing Jesus in the stories and prophets of the Old Testament; ask your parents for help if you’re stuck.
Seeing Jesus made the disciple’s hearts burn with passion, joy and devotion. If your heart is dead and cold and the Bible seems boring, go to your knees. Ask the Holy Spirit to open your eyes to see Jesus as you read the Word. He is the only one who can wake us up from the sleep of sin and make us alive in Christ. Seeing Him will make our feet eager to worship Him and to share the news of Jesus with others.
This article was originally published in the Banner of Sovereign Grace Truth. It sums up my theology of grief and I hope it gives you encouragement.
I dreamed a dream in times gone by/when hope was high and life worth living/I had a dream my life would be/so different from this misery I’m living/so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream/I dreamed. These are the famous haunting lyrics of Fantine, a character in the classic novel, Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.
The story behind the song is one of lost dreams: a mother (Fantine) wanting to provide for her child but, at every turn, her life unwinding into poverty and spiraling into ruin. The song has one theme: bitterness.
Bitterness at what could have been, but wasn’t, bitterness about the sting of her present circumstances, and bitterness about facing a future she didn’t want. In short: bitterness at the loss of her dream of what life would be like.
Very few of us will stand on the street corner and belt out a song of anguish like Fantina, however the sentiments she expressed may be alive and well in our hearts. Who hasn’t experienced the bitterness of hopes dashes and dreams not realized? Many of us could say: “I had a dream of what life would be like, and this isn’t it.”
There is nothing wrong with dreams or hoping for good things in life. In fact, we are told to make plans, prepare, hope: in essence, “dream”. We can have good and godly dreams: the upbuilding of the church, a healthy family, a life of usefulness, a loving marriage, financial security and meaningful relationships and work.
But since the fall has dashed our purity and communion with God, we and our dreams (as in hopes and plans) are broken, both in essence and their fulfillment. Sometimes it’s in the big things of life: churches can flounder in strife or error, babies are miscarried or born with life threatening conditions, spouses become ill and die or financial disaster happens.
Even if we haven’t had major disappointments, we often have smaller dreams unfulfilled, such as struggling with loneliness while longing for relationship, or the perceived lack of meaningful and fruitful work, etc.
With the loss of any dream, we realize grief and disappointment with an intimacy we never desired. But within every lost dream there is a beckoning, a divine opportunity, even in the midst of your grief and brokenness.
A Divine Opportunity for Unbelievers
For unbelievers, the loss of dreams is a divine opportunity sent to awaken us from the stupor of comfort and the futility of life without Christ. It’s a wild wake-up call from the God of the cosmos to take our eyes off our little dreams and set our eyes on Him.
Our “little” dreams matter, to us and God, but when we are missing Him, they all amount to nothing. And because sin dwells at our core, our dreams are hopelessly bent to serving ourselves and that only. But God is gracious and uses these disappointments as a call to wake up from the mirage of satisfaction with your perceived success and happiness here and a call to drink of the Living Water (Jesus!) in order to bring you to true happiness and success only found in Him.
Look over the past years of your life. Are there areas of loss, disappointment and frustration? They are divine opportunities to come and drink. They are invitations to place your bitter and frustrated heart into the hands of a capable and complete satisfier: the Christ.
A Divine Opportunity for Believers
But what about the loss of dreams for believers? Many of us have had good dreams slip from our grasp and crash into a thousand pieces. And these aren’t hypotheticals, they are real situations that create a painful daily reality for many of us.
In my immediate relationships I can think of at least ten families dealing with the serious loss of dreams. One has lost a husband, a young couple grieves infertility, a father deals with a disabling illness, a marriage broken by sin and on it goes.
Providence woven with the fallen world frustrates the life we dreamed of. No matter how much we intellectually understand that God will work things for our good, when we actually endure the loss of dreams, we grieve. And that is not a lack of faith. It is the natural response to the pain of living in a broken world as broken people.
Grief can make us physically nauseous, emotionally depressed and spiritually dry. It can numb us to the realities of God’s comfort and goodness. Surrounding ourselves with the people of God, immersing ourselves in the preaching of the Word and continuously crying out to God in broken confession and trust are often the remedies for healing the deep wound we feel. In short: commit our broken dreams and grief to Him.
This is the divine opportunity. Even in our losses, He makes us gain in Christ. Here are three ways:
Communion. We’re very short-sighted; it often takes pain for us to lift our eyes off of our little lives and actively seek the Lord in prayer. Not only because we have more need, but because we desire Him more. When our dreams are ripped from our hands, the earth and all it holds becomes small and He becomes everything.
Some Christians are afraid to be transparent about feelings of disappointment, grief and perplexity in these times. But God doesn’t need us to bolster up a false cheerfulness or an it’s-all-for-the-best attitude. Instead God comes near, and compels us to turn to Him in our grief.
We can confess our wrong attitudes, ask for forgiveness, grace and help. He is not a distant, uninvolved Father. He takes your tears and puts them in a bottle, and invites you to take refuge in Him. He reminds you of His everlasting arms when it feels like the loss has struck you so low you can scarcely face another day. He doesn’t gloss over your grief and actually binds you to Himself as you walk through valleys.
Sanctification. Holiness is not a boring state of being, it is a life of new obedience to Christ. In that there is a growing intensity and closeness with the Triune God. By His power, He actually transforms us into His likeness and into the fellowship of His love. Often this isn’t accomplished in gentle or comfortable ways. There is pain involved–the chipping away of our desires, our pride, our entitlements. The stripping of dreams we thought we deserved. And a surrender. A surrender to follow Christ no matter what; without reserve or contingencies.
New Dreams. Nothing will replace the dreams we’ve lost. There is no “get-out-of-grief” card when you suffer great loss. But we are not left with the ash of broken dreams and no hope for the future. We are offered a “new and living hope”. Jesus.
Even when our dreams may have been good dreams, He gives us better and richer dreams. He takes our dreams for a comfortable normal life and gives us dreams for an increasing life with Christ. He trades our dreams of pleasing ourselves into dreams of living for Him.
Losing our dreams can free our hearts to embrace Him and a kingdom dream. Just recently I witnessed an older lady come to faith and a life of service after being converted during a valley of grief. Out of the wastelands of our lives He can grow such beauty, hope and life.
Ash or Him
Grief and loss are murky and often unpredictable experiences. But no matter how we are affected, we all face similar temptations in them. Our grief can turn us from God, instead of towards Him. We can nurse the incredible pain and let it fester into life-long bitterness and anger. We can settle for ashes and miss the divine opportunity extended to us in grief: come to Him and live.
C.S. Lewis said this about our dreams (favorite wishes): “Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death to your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.” (Mere Christianity, 226-227)
The story of Fantine’s life is not a happy one. She was without Christ and laid low by broken dreams and had no living hope. She died a miserable painful death, holding only the ashes of dreams and a bitter heart.
Your circumstances are different, but maybe your life is also at a point so low, a place where every dream has been lost. Don’t settle for clinging to ashes. Turn with your lost dreams to Jesus, for the first time or as your life-long posture. He is holding more than a dream; He is offering the reality of a life in Him that can never be lost.